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hunger; deep, insatiable hunger.

10 October 2012

There is something stirring in me, something rising up in me… from the very core of my spirit. I have not been content. I have not been happy. I have been going through my days restless, irritable, and empty. Something hasn’t been right. I have thought and thought, searched and searched. Don’t get me wrong, I am more happy than I have ever been! I have been blessed with an amazing husband and a whole new, wonderful family! (I love you, Parvu family!)

But there is a tugging on my heart. I cannot and will not get enough of God. Sitting here in Starbucks drinking my soy no water chai latte, listening to IHOPKC’s Global Prayer Room and reading my Bible, I cannot get enough. Earlier this year, I read the entirety of the New Testament, from beginning to end. It was my goal to finish before I got married. I finished in April or May and it was the most wonderful thing I had ever experienced. I have read most of the Bible before… but, I read it this time in light of who God is and the words came ALIVE before my eyes.

I decided to do the same with the Old Testament. So, I started in Genesis back in the summer. I am trying to get through the whole Old Testament before New Year. (I have a long ways to go, but I can do it.) I am only in Numbers right now, due to a lack of diligence, however God has really been showing me some things there this week.

For instance, the Israelites were walking with a physical manifestation of the God who led them out of slavery in Egypt and somehow they still grumbled and complained to Him. They still preferred slavery over walking with God  in the desert. They were surrounded by God’s signs and wonders (they aren’t just in the New Testament!!)… Manna from the sky, wooden staves budding and growing fruit, the Red Sea parting and then drowning all the Egyptians… et cetera, et cetera, but still they wanted to make false gods. Still they rebelled against Moses, Aaron, and also God. (Even Aaron and Miriam rebelled against Moses, and ultimately God!)

My question is this: how can people who are witnessing God so much more than we do now be so callous to Him?! Then my next question is… would I do the same? If I were standing there with Korah, Dathan, and Abiram (Numbers 16), would I join them in rebelling against Moses and the God who saved me from bondage and suffering? Or would I pray for mercy alongside Moses? I know what I would like to say, I just don’t know if it would be honest. Likewise, if I were one of the witnesses of Jesus’ ministry, would I leave everything to follow Him? Or would I, like thousands of people, turn a deaf ear? I know what I would like to say…

So now, a couple thousand years later (or several, depending on which story we are talking about), I am living in a “prospering” country where most people have nice things and are eating enough to feed the WHOLE WORLD. I am privileged. I am free. I am wealthy. …

Or am I?

As far as I can tell, I am wretched and poor. I am in (physical) bondage to a world that wants my all, while Jesus deserves, even demands everything. He should receive my every penny, my every moment, my every act and word. The Israelites should have given God their completely and utter devotion, but didn’t. Like them, I am malcontent, regardless of the blessings and promises I have received. Like them I am tired of the sand of the desert… I want to get to the promised land. I want to be able to see and touch God. I am finding myself extremely jealous of the Israelites and Jesus’ disciples  because they got to see God first hand!

And yet, extraordinarily… I realized that I am one of Jesus’ disciples, therefore I also get to see God first hand! I can see God! I can touch God! I can get to the promised land! I can hear God’s voice, in my spirit (through His!) and in His Word!

Appropriately, “Where I Belong” is being played in the Global Prayer room right now. One of the verses says “I’ve finally found where I belong / in your presence”. This just makes me laugh with utmost joy – I’ve found where I belong: in the presence of God! The Redeemer! The Saviour! The Lamb that was slain, the Lion of Judah! Et cetera! Jesus broke down the wall of hostility on that cross… and now, I can enter SHAMELESSLY into the presence of God the Father! (Ephesians 2:14) BAM! I was made to fellowship with God and to spread His glory throughout all the earth, that His name may be praised by all tongues and nations! Shoot.

So yesterday, I woke up and I spent time reading my Bible while listening to the Global Prayer Room (I turned it on just in time to hear the end of Justin Rizzo, who was playing when I began this post, and all of Jon Thurlow and then the first part of Matt Gilman, who is playing now.)… it was so wonderful. At the beginning of my time in the Word, I realized I had meant to put the sheets in the washing machine. So, I asked, this may sound foolish, “Jesus, do you mind if I go put in the laundry before I spend time with you?” and I felt in my spirit Him respond, “Of course not.” So, I began taking the laundry down and I felt again: “We are still spending time together, even though you aren’t intentionally spending time in my Word or praying.” And I just started laughing. – Quickly, let me explain. I have been laughing a lot recently while spending time with Jesus… it isn’t because I think something is funny. It is out of relief, out of joy – So Jesus and I did some laundry… and then went upstairs and read His Word. I prayed alongside my  brothers and sisters in Kansas City. Phew! It was great! And this morning, as you’ve previously read, I am at Starbucks waiting to have lunch with my wonderful husband, listening to the GPR again… and God just showed me as I was reading more of Numbers that I have this deep hunger for more of Him and that it is good. I should always be wanting more! And as far as I can see, I will never get enough. Not until I am standing before His throne at the end of my physical life. It is insatiable, thank God.

Jesus, may I never be sated! May my spirit always be thirsting for more of yours! I want to want you all of my days! May I never become complacent or content!

2 Comments leave one →
  1. 10 October 2012 21:13

    “Bread of Heaven, Bread of Heaven, feed me now and evermore…”

    Whenever I sing “Guide me, O Thou Great Jehovah,” I look forward to that line. Some versions say, “Feed me ’til I want no more,” and it always makes me want to stand up in the middle of everything and say, “No, no, no! That ISN’T POSSIBLE!”

    The hymn always reminds me that just as I’ll never stop needing food, I’ll never stop needing to be nourished by my Lord day after day after day.

    • 11 October 2012 07:18

      Hmm, I don’t know that hymn, but that line is wonderful. =]

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